Have Your Ice Cream Cake & Eat It Too

I’m pro-therapy/counseling, of course, and I’m very adamant about making sure people understand what counseling is really about, especially in religious circles. One of the major goals of counseling is challenging the way you think, which will ultimately change the way you behave and live. This is accomplished through what is called “processing”—talking it out; walking through it.

Me, processing with an 11 year old…

HIM: She acts like a baby. She got the cake she wanted for her birthday and I couldn’t eat it because I don’t eat that kind of cake.

ME: That doesn’t make her a baby. That makes it her birthday. When it’s your birthday, you can get the kind of cake that you like.

HIM: They never (hmmm) get me what I want. I asked for an ice cream cake last year and they didn’t get it.

ME: Do you think they did that intentionally, just to be mean to you?

HIM: Yes. The other kids got what they wanted. John got a cookie cake and Jane got a ice cream cake. On my birthday, I didn’t get what I wanted.

ME: Well, what kind of cake did you get?

HIM: I got an ice cream cake.

ME: ummmmmmmm

HIM: Mr. Josh, I got a ice cream cake, but it wasn’t a chocolate ice cream cake. It was a vanilla ice cream cake.

ME: Ok, so you DID get an ice cream cake? 

HIM: Yes.

ME: So, do you think they intentionally didn’t get you a chocolate cake just to be mean to you?

HIM: No, they just misunderstood me.

ME: ahhhh!!! Say that again…..

HIM: *huge grin* [‘aha moment’ for him…]

--Processing over---

As simple as this sounds, there’s a lesson here, not only for the child I was counseling, but for the adults reading this. My life lesson to him: Sometimes, people aren’t trying to be mean to you or be against you, they just misunderstand what you’re trying to communicate. We then find ourselves blaming people (defense mechanisms) for misunderstanding what we tried to communicate or blaming others for the conclusions we’ve jumped to. His mind had him convinced that he NEVER gets what he wants (that’s a pretty big jump!), and let him tell it, he didn’t even get an ice cream cake, which was proven to be untrue.

We often carry this type of thinking into adulthood [which means we carry it into relationships, friendships, marriages, workplaces, etc] and we have to constantly check ourselves. Sometimes we have so many misconceptions and distortions (e.g., thinking people are out to get you or are against you) built up in our heads that are all based on misunderstandings. It causes you to be extreme in your thinking [“All-or-Nothing Thinking”], which leads to crazy statements. It’s the way you think; that’s why you have to constantly challenge the way you think. You're thinking crazy!

You want to be emotionally healthy and stable? Take your thoughts out your head, put them on the table and challenge them. Ask yourself; does this really make sense?? A few minutes of processing out loud either with yourself or somebody else [someone who is good at analyzing thoughts] can divert years of unnecessary pain, resentment, bitterness and separation from people you love based on an “ice cream cake”.

Be like children, who are much easier to process with than adults sometimes. [Pride often keeps us from processing and then admitting that we went WAY TOO FAR with our crazy thinking]. After some good processing, you may discover that you had your ice cream cake and got to eat it too.

Follow my new initiative on Twitter: @soulhealing911

"Wilt Thou Be Made Whole?" The Church & Mental Health (Part I)

“I’m praying for you.”

“You just need some more Jesus.”

“Praise your way through it!”

“You just need more faith!”

“Shouldn’t you be over that by now?”

These are common clichés in the church world. While they are all true and have some merit in their respective places, they have been used for years as Band-Aids to mask deeper and darker issues of the soul. We’re taught early on to cover up and mask issues in the church with sayings like, “I don’t look like what I’ve been through.” (Well, maybe that’s your problem. You have on a mask and you can’t get help for what you’re going through!)

For years, the church as an institution has convinced its constituents that their mental health is not important. The institution has taught people that they lack faith or a certain level of spirituality because they desire to seek counseling or other forms of mental health services. We have focused on the spirit, but forgotten about the soul. We preach and prophesy to (or at) people Sunday after Sunday, but their soul is still in need of major repair.

This is not a statement of condescension, but rather a statement of experience and concern: In my 6 ½ years of working in mental health, I’ve never seen so many undiagnosed mental health issues. Issues that plague our ranks, from the pulpit to the choir stand, from the pew to the parking lot, include depression (situational and organic/clinical), anxiety, psychotic disorders, bipolar and other emotional and mood disorders, death, grief and loss, thoughts of suicide, personality disorders and the like. Somewhere in the last few years, “we” have figured out that being saved, sanctified, full of the Holy Ghost and even “anointed and appointed” does not disqualify one from having a mental health problem, no matter the level of severity. (Mental health problems are “graded” on a continuum. There is more to mental health than "hearing voices"...)

The old mindset is still in full effect in some sectors of Christianity. If you are having problems in any of these areas, you either lack faith or you’re demon possessed in need of “deliverance”. This erroneous teaching and ideology has been passed down from generation to generation and it presents itself as diametrically opposed to our present reality. We have people sitting in our pews—and in our pulpits—who need real help, not for their spirit, but for their soul.

What do I do when I am saved (spiritually prosperous); physically healthy (good health); yet insolvent in my soul? Jesus asked an important question in the Gospels: “What does it profit a man to gain the world, but lose His soul?” We often equate this Scripture only to the initial work of Salvation from sin, however let’s take a deeper look.

Man is a triune being: body, soul and spirit. When God formed man according to Genesis 2:7, He formed him from the dust of the ground. This was his physical body. According to 1 Corinthians 15:46, he was made first natural, then spiritual. He then breathed a part of Himself into man (spirit) and then man became a living soul. The Hebrew word “soul” there is ‘Nephesh’.

The soul or the ‘nephesh’ is the will, appetite, desires and emotions of a man. It is man’s personality. It is his mind; the way he thinks. We are a spirit, we live in a body and we have a soul. The soul is also the seat of the heart and the mind—not the brain! When mankind fell in the Garden of Eden, it was the soul of man that became damaged because our souls desired sin.

When we get to the New Testament, we switch to a Greek transliteration of the Bible. The Greek word for soul is “psuche”, which is where we get the word “psychology”, which is literally the study of the soul.

This puts Jesus’ words in an entirely new context. What does it profit or benefit a man (or a woman) to gain the entire world, but lose his or her soul (‘psuche’)—mind, soul! I have found that many people in the church have gained things. We have gained titles, we have gained positions, we have gained big churches and large followings, we have gained money, we have gained fame (both inside and outside of the church), we have gained relationships and connections, and we have gained great success. However, what profit is it if we have all of these things but our souls—the essence of who we are—is not healthy. It’s a cover up.

Those things that we have gained then become likened to the fig leaves that Adam and Eve sewed for themselves in the Garden. They became aware of their nakedness and their vulnerabilities—their frailty, so they attempted to cover themselves. How many people use superficial in a weak attempt to cover deep wounds of the soul?

This is why 3 John 1:2 (NKJV) admonishes us: “Beloved, I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers.” Since we are triune beings, it’s not enough to have good physical health and good spiritual health and not be emotionally healthy. That creates a false balance.

I believe that there is a paradigm shift taking place in the Body of Christ. Many people are coming to the realization that we can no longer “have church” over soul issues. We can no longer dance, shout, speak in tongues, have praise breaks and pour oil over deep-seated soul issues. People need healing and they need wholeness and the only way to get it is to help walk people through these issues. We cannot heal what we continue to ignore.

To tell someone that they “just need prayer” is spiritually irresponsible. The Bible says that faith without works is dead. Yes, I am going to pray for you and then I’m going to counsel you! Even Proverbs 11:14 tells us that there is safety in a multitude of counselors. Many times people are praying and “casting out demons” and don’t even know what they’re praying for or against. Everything is not a demon and everything doesn’t need to be “casted out”. Everything is not demonic, and everything is not “a spirit”. Some things are psychological and they need to be dealt with as such. Some people just need to be processed through the hurt, guilt and shame of their past which has caused them to live in a low place of negative core belief systems even though God has called them to sit in Heavenly places with Christ Jesus.

My assignment to the Body of Christ has been made even clearer over the past two years. I don’t just preach and prophesy. As one who is certified, trained and experienced in the mental health field in the secular marketplace, God has graced me to use my expertise to reach out to pastors, leaders and lay members alike who desire to see significant change. Many pastors have come to terms with the fact that their churches need licensed, certified and trained therapists and counselors on staff to properly deal with some of these issues that "pastoral" or spiritual counseling alone cannot address.

For so long we have looked at psychology and theology as polar opposites, however there are too many Scriptures that support just the opposite. The marriage of theology and psychology is quite beautiful when joined correctly and responsibly. God desires that His people be whole and I am committed to doing my part to help the body of Christ come into a place of not only awareness and change, but healing and wholeness.

“Church folks” need professional counseling and therapy too. We can no longer fight or ignore this. We have a SOUL problem and what we’ve been doing has not been working. It’s time to dig deep and heal the soul. It’s time to stop having all of these major conferences (leadership conferences, men’s and women’s conferences, singles conferences, marriage conferences, etc.) and not having ANY component on mental health. People are suffering in silence while we’re “having church” and raising offerings.

What more has to happen before we take mental health seriously in the church? Does another pastor have to commit suicide? Do more marriages have to break up? Do more sinful lifestyles have to be exposed for the entire world to see? Our approach has been reactive when it should be proactive. We are in a vicious cycle.

Yes, we need to pray. Yes, we need to fast and seek God. However, you can pray all day and fast until you become anorexic. If you don’t challenge and change the way you think (Proverbs 23:7, Romans 12:2) and come into a place of introspection, you’re wasting your time. The mind must be renewed!

I am not alone. There are plenty of saved, Holy Ghost filled, anointed therapist and psychologists on the scene now. No more masks, no more clichés, no more fig leaves. The question is not if help, healing and wholeness is available. The question is, “Wilt thou be made whole?”

~Selah

Joshua D. Peters-Smith, M.A., P.C.M.H.T.

(To inquire about my counseling, coaching and consultation services to churches, organizations and individuals, email me at joshuapeterssmith@gmail.com)

What Is God Building?

This has been an interesting season for the Believer. If you’re anything like me, everything you knew or thought you knew has been challenged or torn down. Your foundation—what you’re standing on remains, however somethings have been torn or burned down. King Solomon declares to us in the book of Ecclesiastes chapter 3 that to everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the Heavens. Every season in our life has a certain time limit attached to it and every season has an ordained purpose. The end of verse 3 tells us that there is a time to break or tear down and a time to build up.

I believe that the purpose of this last season of your life has been to tear and break down. This may seem like a negative thing, but it’s really a great thing! It has been the tearing down of old thoughts, ideas, methods and relationships. It is important to know and understand that God controls the times and the seasons in our lives. David declares in Psalm 31:15, “My times are in thy hand.” Daniel 2:21 lets us know that God changes the times and the seasons. God is not governed by time, He is eternal. Yet He controls the times and the seasons in our lives if we submit to His perfect and divine will. Whatever season we are in, we can rest assured that God has ordered us to be there!

What God has been doing in the “tearing down season” is allowing us to experience the devastation of loss so that reconstruction can take place. He has ordered a season of tearing down and breaking down, however it has a time limit. When the fullness of time has been accomplished for tearing down, the season shifts to the buildup season!

Well, what is God building? As I was riding home from a mini-family vacation today (Labor Day) with my extended family, God instructed me to look outside of the car window. Every time we would pass construction on the highway, He would ask me, “What are they building?” I could tell by the structure of the building what was being built, even though the work wasn’t finished yet. On most of the buildings, no bricks had been laid and no signs had gone up but I could tell; a bank looked like a bank, a church looked like a church, a neighborhood Walmart looked like a neighborhood Walmart.

So what’s the point? It doesn’t matter what or who you lost in the last season of your life. That was simply “a time to tear down”. Take a close look at what God has already started constructing in this next season of your life and know that what God is building next is greater than what you lost in the last season of your life.

You’re about to break forth on the left and on the right. He’s using the same foundation but He’s building you stronger, bigger, wider and greater than ever before! Don’t weep too long over what you loss. The prophet Isaiah declared that God will give us beauty for ashes and the oil of joy for mourning.

Arise out of the ashes! It’s a time to build. God is doing a new thing in your life, in your career, in your ministry, in your finances and in your family. He's the only God that can take something ugly like ashes and bring beauty out of it! Your new thing is springing up right before your very eyes. Pay attention to what God is building. He's revealing it to you by His Spirit. It’s greater than what you lost. This is your greatest season and it’s called reconstruction!

Be confident in this very thing; He who has begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ!

 

~Selah

Do What It Takes

Any successful person will tell you that success is a process. There is no such thing as overnight success. Success is the result of struggle. What you may see on the surface as “overnight success” has a history behind it that is often overshadowed by the grandeur of the success itself. Many say that they want to be successful, but they are not willing to do what it takes to be successful. I often say, don’t shout over the prophecy if you can’t handle the process.

As I reflect back on this year, 2013, I would call this year a “success” for me. I am not a person who makes resolutions, neither am I the type of person to wait until a new year to start a new thing. However, I do set long term and short term goals for my life. I don’t have resolutions; I have goals, and I start every year (and pretty much every month) with a new set of goals for the year.

One of my major goals for this past year was to finish my master’s degree that I started in early 2009. After finishing my bachelor’s degree in mid 2008, I quickly came to the realization that I wanted to be more educated in the field of counseling and psychology. Through life’s transitions and lack of focus on my part at times, I stopped and started, stopped and started. My procrastination anointing was heavily exercised at times. It was only until I realized that I was missing opportunities that I decided to “buckle down” and get serious. Time waits for no one; neither does opportunities.

I was determined that after being derailed mid 2012 and not being able to graduate that I was going to do what it took to knock it out in 2013. It was at the end of 2012 that I learned that I would have to resign from my full time job in order to complete the required internship hours to complete my degree.  The job that I had worked on faithfully for 4 years (right out of undergraduate) suddenly announced to me that I could not complete my internship hours there.

I was comfortable on my job. I loved my clients and I loved the people I worked with. But I had to make a decision. Was I going to remain stagnant in a comfortable place or was I going to step out on faith. If you want to be successful, you must be willing to be temporarily inconvenienced. You must be willing to leave comfortable places and take risks. Sometimes you have to STEP out to FIND out!

My decision was made. I put in my notice and January 4, 2013 was my last day. I was jobless, outside of ministry. I was jobless but I still had bills. I had to make sacrifices, but I had to do what it took. I traveled to Virginia by train the following week for my last residency class on campus. I traveled by train because I couldn’t afford a plane ticket. I needed to have this class before I could start the internship the next week. I had to do what it took.  The train ride was long (21 hours) and uncomfortable. I had little money and I ate little, but I was determined to do what it took. God sustained me through it all.

At the end of the week, I was also scheduled to take my comprehensive (comps) exam for my degree. The test was four hours long and covered material from every course (20 courses) I had taken since the beginning of the program. I had three opportunities to take the test and pass. If I didn’t pass it the first time, I knew that meant I would have to come back to Virginia another time. I was determined to make the first time count. When I got my results back a few weeks later, I had knocked that test completely out of the park, because I was determined to be successful.

I left Virginia uncertain about what the coming weeks and months would hold. I had exhausted my savings. I borrowed money from family. I pawned things. But I was determined to be successful. I had to drop my pride and move back in with my parents temporarily. But I was determined to be successful.

At the end of February, I found a job. I was overqualified for the job, but they hired me anyway because of my education level and my experience in the field. It was an overnight job. I had to be at work at 10pm and I got off at 6:30am. I had to report to my internship site Monday through Friday at 7:30am. I would leave my internship at 4pm, go home, shower and go straight to bed so I could be back at work for 10pm. But I was determined to be successful.

There were days when I didn’t get any sleep because I couldn’t always go straight to sleep. I was still being asked to come preach locally (I had to turn down many engagements because they were not local). On those days, I would leave my internship site at 4pm, preach at 7pm and leave the Saints slain and slobbering at the altar because I had to leave by 9pm so I could get to work by 10pm, but I was determined to be successful. I didn't have time to sleep, I wanted success!

Fast forward to May 2013, I finished all of my degree requirements and was awarded my degree. I applied for a job (my dream job) the week after my degree was conferred. A few days later, I was called in for an interview. Two weeks later, I was called with a job offer making more money than I had ever made in my life. Not only that, in August 2013, I completed a graduate certificate in pastoral counseling from a seminary.

God not only sustained me, he restored me. I am now working on a doctorate in psychology. When I look back at 2013, I don’t have any regrets. I had a great year. All of my steps were ordered by GOD and He favored me on every step. This has been one of the best years of my life. I learned determination, resilience and real faith. I learned that I could do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I learned that at my lowest points, I could still effectively encourage others. I learned that the times when you really feel like giving up, you're closer to your breakthrough then than you could even imagine. I learned that dreams really do come true, if you’re willing to do what it takes.

You have dreams and goals, but are you willing to do what it takes? There will be times when you feel like giving up on your dreams, but then you realize that there are too many people watching you and waiting to follow the trail you’ve blazed.

Success is never accomplished by accident. You must be intentional about your plans. You must be willing to take risks. You must be willing to be temporarily inconvenienced. You must be focused and disciplined. It won’t always be comfortable, but I promise you’ll enjoy the results! This blog is not just about educational pursuits; it was written to encourage you in any goal or dream that you have for the future. The best season of your life is ahead of you. Are you willing to do what it takes?

2014: “The Year of the Dream” (Psalm 126:1-6)

Purchase your copy of my book, "Dream Again: The Journey Toward Destiny" here: http://www.amazon.com/Dream-Again-Journey-Toward-Destiny/dp/1475259328.

For Frustrated Dreamers

Have you ever felt like more people needed to hear your voice? Ever felt like you were underrated and underappreciated when you know deep inside of you that you have something valuable to offer to the world?

This message is for all of the frustrated dreamers. YOUR TIME WILL COME!

Did you know that Joseph had his initial dream when he was 17 years old? He did not see the complete manifestation of his dream until he was 30 years old. For 13 years, he was a slave and a prisoner but he was still a dreamer!

We never read it in Genesis, but I refuse to believe that Joseph never got frustrated along his journey. None of this was shown to him in his dream. He didn’t see himself being sold into slavery or being put into prison, but it was all part of the plan. He held on to the dream and ultimately, he saw it manifest.

The lesson is simple. No matter what is going on in your life, you have to keep the dream alive inside of you. Your dream is not based on things AROUND you….it’s based on what God put IN you! Your dream has nothing to do with where you are right now. It's greater than what you see!

You may have to wait and you might get discouraged, but keep the dream alive. We are a generation of people who do not like to wait. Because of technology, we have everything readily accessible to us at any given time. This has trained us to be impatient and expect instant gratification. The paradoxical complexity of this mindset is that everything is not going to come when we want it to. Our culture has changed, but God has never changed. We must be patient because patience is part of our refining process. God still requires patience (longsuffering) of us.

What you must realize is that you are on a journey. Everything that you do is being graded by the dream giver, who is God, our Creator. God is watching you. He is grading you on excellence, timeliness, attitude and how you treat others.

I know you think “it” should have happened for you by now. Your business should be off the ground by now. Your book should be a NY Times Best Seller by now. Your music should have been nominated for a Grammy, Stellar or Dove award by now. Your church should be bigger by now. Your ministry should be in more demand than what it is right now. Your product sales should be greater than what they are right now.

I know how you feel; but don’t give up! Oftentimes, the moment when we feel like giving up the most is when our greatest breakthrough is on the horizon. If you give up now, all of the time you’ve spent waiting has been wasted and the dream will be lost.

Dreams really do come true; but not overnight! Be afraid of overnight success. It is quickly lost. When you get to where you really want to be, you will appreciate the struggle it has taken you to get there. There is no success without process!

You might feel frustrated, but don’t give up. Anyone who has ever accomplished anything has had moments of frustration. But they can tell you, you WILL reap; if you faint not! Your dream is not a figment of your imagination. It is a promise given to you by God. “Faithful is he who has promised”. 

Be encouraged, even in your frustration. He knows the way that you take! You’ve been on the sidelines cheering everyone else on for so long, but get ready! Your time will come!

2014: "The Year of the Dream"